We'll Miss You, Pandy

As many of you know, we lost our sweet Pandy cat this week after just about 18 years of being part of our family. Thirteen of those years she was our "baby" and the center of our attention. Alas five years ago she had to relinquish that title to Nicolas as we brought him home. It was something we feared since Pandy didn't take too kindly to children. They scared her and she either ran from them or hissed. But to our amazement she took an interest in Nicolas when he came home. She would run to us if she ever heard him crying. She never once hissed or bit at him. She did, of course, keep her distance when she wanted which was a lot of the time. Yet she remained a fixture in his life. And so as she passed away this week it has been a hard week for all of us but especially for Nicolas and me.

Nicolas had a hard time wrapping his mind around the idea that her body was still, empty. He cried a lot... and I with him. Then he would calm and play but in random times asked me with tear filled eyes "why did Pandy have to die? I don't want her to die!"

We talked about heaven, Jesus and the love Pandy has there now that she can see again (she went blind about a week ago), full tummy, no more knots in her long fur and room to play. He worried that if we buried her that he couldn't touch her or see her again. I had to fix that!

Then that night I made him a photo album with all the photos of her that I could fine. I wanted him to be able to see her whenever he wanted. The next day on our drive to school he looked at all those photos and laughed, asked questions, and wiped away his tears for a while. He took it to school and his wonderful teacher, Miss Amy, let him show it to the class and share it. She also let him carry it around as they went from subject to subject until he finally was comfortable to put it in his backpack. While he was at school I ran from store to store and searched for.. Pandy! Not a real one, mind you. At Hallmark I found them! Two Webkinz Pandy cats. One was bigger (perfect for Nicolas) and one was sparkly (perfect for Lexi). God's works in mysterious ways!That helped to solve the problem of what they would do when they missed petting Pandy. They have both carried their cats everywhere, play with them and won't go to sleep without them.

Nicolas also has found comfort in knowing Pandy is playing in heaven with his Grandma's cat, with Uncle Tim's Pookie and with Chloe's cat. Nice how a child finds comfort thinking others are "not alone".

Now, we had to wait for the ground to thaw to bury her. Saturday we did just that... well, okay, attempted to. But after a little time of trying to dig, we made a phone call and found out that we could take her to be cremated. That is our choice. And a choice that I think will be much better. Nicolas was having stress over the idea that we were going to put his beloved cat's body in the ground and put dirt on it! That seemed so wrong to his five year old imaginative mind! I understood. And it seems that taking and leaving her at the vet also helped Lexi to grasp more that Pandy wasn't coming back. Her nearly 3 year old mind started to wrap itself around the idea she was really gone and what that meant.

So once again... we cried. We cried together as we walked out of Hawthorne Animal Hospital and got into our car with a piece of us left behind. An emptiness at home to return to. Something missing!

As we drove away I tried to be strong and remind my two crying children that if they remembered the good time, remembered her in happy ways then she will be alive forever in their hearts. And that is when my dear Lexi stopped crying... got very excited... VERY excited and said:

"Mommy, Oh Mommy, I feel her. I feel her right here!!!!"

She pointed to her heart.

God Bless the Love of a Child!

And yes it is nice to not have hairballs to clean up, fur on everything, food dishes out, litterbox to clean... but last night when I had a comforting bowl of ice cream I went to set my empty bowl on the ground for Pandy to lick clean as she was always waiting to do... and I cried. Those small moments that we take for granted...! She won't be there to warm my spot in bed before I move her to "her" spot in bed at my feet. She won't be there to beg for tuna the next time we open a can. She won't trip me as I go down the stairs because she wants to get there faster.

We'll miss you girl!